Relationship Rollercoasters

By a UTK Freshman

Many of you all know the thrills of a new relationship.  There’s something enlivening about going on a first date, sharing your first kiss together, and the new bonds of intimacy forming.  Over the past two and a half weeks, I’ve started dating a new guy and these exciting moments have been happening at a very rapid pace.  We started off with a very high initial velocity, meaning we had sex on the first date, and have continued with a constant positive acceleration.  I thought that it was going great, as we became to grow more emotionally attached to one another, especially in our conversations after sex.  We would engage in many a philosophical discussion and we would learn things about each other that no one knew.  I was completely enraptured by what was going on between us, until one Thursday night when we were hanging out, he told me that he thought that it would be best if we “slowed things down.”  I decided that I didn’t want to pressure him into doing anything with me that he didn’t want to do, so I reluctantly complied to his request, but inwardly I was so crushed.  We had decided that we weren’t going to have sex for a month in order for us to establish a deeper emotional connection.  But, I really liked him, so I decided to stick it out.  

During the next two days preceding our upcoming date, I was channeling some serious willpower, because I was so sad that I was not going have sex for a month.  I was so downtrodden and I complained to my friends incessantly about it.

So Saturday arrived, and we went on our date.  We went to dinner, played music together, and then we went back to my place. I had originally intended for us to just make out.  I was going to respect the boundaries that we had made.  But, during our conversation, I had to insert some of my feelings into the situation.  While we were talking, I said that I thought that a month was a little bit long for us to wait and if we could lower it to two to three weeks.  He said that he had been thinking about our agreement as well, and that he thought that it was a little long as well.  Then, he started talking about why he wanted to slow things down in the first place. 

He began to explain that he was doing this out of my best interest, because he had already been establishing an emotional connection.  He thought that I was wanting a less sexual relationship and a more emotionally based relationship.  After this, I explained to him that I was completely comfortable at the pace we were going previously.  I told him that I was different than the girls he had dated previously, in the fact that I am a very sexually driven person.  So, I then asked him again if he would consider reducing the restriction down to two to three weeks.  His response was, “How about twenty minutes?”  My face filled with joy, as I was relieved from my previous notion that I was going to be sex-starved for a month.  The sex that night was the best that we had had yet.  We both looked each other in the eyes afterwards and thanked each other in the most genuine fashion.

All this to say, I think this situation is one example out of many that portrays how gender-based assumptions can affect each other’s pleasure in the relationship and how important communication is.  For if we had not communicated, neither of us would have known what each other wanted, and we both would have miserable.