Cum for me

By anonymous

The first time I ever orgasmed I was a sophomore in college. Up until that point I had no idea what I was missing out on. I honestly never considered masturbation until I was in college. My high school was one that told you that sex was a terrible thing and that anything involved with it was a no no. So I never really knew what I was missing. It wasn’t until my friend told me about it that I really thought about even trying. This same friend even helped me buy my first vibrator.

I had decided that I was going to masturbate at night on a Friday. Why I decided this, I have no idea. I guess I wasn’t sure what all was going to happen. I really thought that I would be broken the next day. HA. You can see how sad my life is when I think having a single orgasm will put me out for a day.  Anyway, I then decided that I was going to masturbate in my favorite place in my house, the bathroom. So the shower it was. 

Friday night, I grabbed my vibrator and headed to the shower. Again, I had no idea what the heck I was doing. I started masturbating and nothing happened. Then I could only focus on the fact that nothing was happening, which made me more uncomfortable and more scared that I am going to be the only woman in the world that couldn’t cum. By this time my water had gone cold and my sexy feeling was completely gone. I really started to get worried that my body was messed up and I even thought about calling my doctor.

However, I did not give up. I went to my bed, tried again, and BOOM it happened! I literally had no idea that something could feel so amazing and empowering. I truly felt sexy. This was the first time that I could control my body and make it listen to me and what I wanted. I was able to make my whole body shake with one flick of my fingers. To me, there is something powerful about that. My confidence went through the roof and I am so proud of myself.

I am very proud to say that I can and will cum. 🙂 

I wear my V-Card with pride, and I practice abstinence. Not because I haven’t found the right guy, or even a good guy (because I’ve had my fair share of good and bad relationships with amazing and not so outstanding men). It goes so much farther than that. My practice of abstinence and my virginity go farther than anyone I may have met or been in a relationship with. It really goes so much farther than that. It comes down to empowerment. My practice of abstinence and virginity are a result of my empowerment, and I am empowered through my virginity and abstinence. I have overpowered my natural sexual urges to avoid sexual temptation. I have become completely freed (and continue to be) and empowered by not allowing my emotional and sexual feelings to overcome my conscience thought, no matter how the society in which I live tells me how impossible it is. 

I’m a little exhausted of the little goody two shoes, homegrown Baptist, Bible eating perspective that Virginity is given, along with abstinence. But first to clear something up, abstinence has nothing to do with Asexuality. While someone who is Asexual may practice abstinence, neither is one in the same. Abstinence is the freely made choice to not have sex. While this may be more complicated when it gets down to someone’s moral and religious views on what abstinence and virginity are (which really comes down to the question of “How far is too far”), I’m going to define abstinence as refraining from sexual intercourse of any kind (oral, anal, etc).

    Through the practice of abstinence I have not allowed myself to be used by another person, and I have chosen to not use another person. Sexual empowerment (as the word empowerment suggests) allows the user and practitioner to overpower and gain power through sexual practices and advances. It does not come down to the fact whether someone thinks that it is wrong or not. It really doesn’t matter. Something to be addressed, however, is our current consumer driven society and how sex and the empowerment through it, play a role. 

Sexual empowerment clearly suggests the action that through sexual intercourses and actions, one person (or persons) are to gain power through those actions with another person (or persons).  Why would someone need to gain something? Well the logic follows that they are lacking something, does it not? A person who is fulfilled has no need to seek fulfillment.
Let me stop and make a blatant point. SEX IS AWESOME! SEX IS BEAUTIFUL! No I have never had sex, but in no way do I condemn sex, nor am I trying to. I am, however, questioning its usage in today’s society.

               The idea of sexual empowerment and the logic of it, forms a purely steal and take complex. Someone lacks power, they need to gain it, they gain it through another person, and then the cycle follows that that person now lacks that power. Can you see the cycle? That person now lacks power and must do the same to gain their “power” back. This creates a very complex power exchange.

           Within this complex, sex has become an integral and highly functioning part of our consumer driven society. It has been something we have used and taken for ourselves to define and rank ourselves in an attempt to climb the societal power ladder. This goes beyond sexual orientation, gender, race, ethnic background, religious affiliation, moral compass, or any combination of the aforementioned. If sexual intercourse and actions of the sexual nature are used to rank and define us then what does that mean? Does it mean that a man or woman are not homosexual until they have had sexual relations with someone of the same gender or sex (orientation)? Does it mean a man is not a man, and a woman a woman until she has sex with a woman or man? Does it mean if someone cannot or does not have sex that they have no happiness, are less happy, or lack meaning in life? I would have to say no. Many would agree that all of those previously mentioned things have to do with the pure essence of the person themselves. They would agree with me on the fact that gender, sex (orientation in this context), and happiness or human value in general is not dependent on a person’s sex life. It has much more to do with a person’s feelings, attractions, and how they choose to define themselves. It has everything to do with the fact that they are a person, that they are.  
At the other end many people could easily say, “How do you know? How can you say any of these things??? You’ve never had sex, and don’t know how awesome sex is! You have no idea how sex has affected my life!” Yes, they can absolutely say that and I will (without blushing to the surprise of all) that they are right; I don’t “know” (through experience) what sex is like. That however, does not mean that I cannot form an opinion on it. That is equal to saying that because I have never experienced rape or molestation; I cannot say that they are wrong.

Now to the nitty gritty. Sex outside the constitution of a PERMANENT relationship falls into this power struggle complex. I say permanent relationship because I’m not going to even try to get into the current marriage debate. In the words of Sweet Brown “Ain’t nobody got time for that”. So no matter what the government, religious organizations or groups, or even what your mother define as a permanent relationship I am going to (for the validity and sake of this topic) define a permanent relationship as a relationship between people(s) with no defined end. It is permanent. Only in this kind of relationship are people allowed and given the freedom to engage in sexual practice without using the other person or persons, without being trapped in the power struggle. Instead of a take and take complex, it is a give and give complex.

           So here I stand waving my white flag. Not in defeat, but in victory and freedom through purity and abstinence. That’s not to say that they go completely hand in hand. You can have had sex and start practicing abstinence. And for those that say it’s impossible, that we can’t resist our natural sexual urges and that it’s completely natural for us to go “do it” which whoever we want, and that it makes us happier… I have a few things to say and question of you.

           What defines a person’s gender or sex? Is it how they act? Is it defined and based on their sexual history and future? We have reached a point in society where we can answer that question with a resounding no.

           Would you say that human beings possess intelligence? Enough at least to pursue higher institutions of education, understand the complex facial expressions associated with emotions within our society, or have some sort of moral compass? One could easily draft an extensively complex essay associating the complexities of differences and similarities between animals and humans. We can all agree, however, that human beings possess a higher intelligence that has clearly allowed us to climb to the top of the food chain. In addition, that we are more powerful than our natural sexual urges. We are intelligent enough and able enough to make a choice.

Journey Towards a Healthier Sexuality


When I started college, I was not comfortable with my sexuality. My first sexual encounter wasn’t the awkward fumbling around of YA novels, but a violent depredation of my consent and my agency that to this day affects my ability to maintain healthy sexual relationships. The experience set me afloat in a confusing and vicious cycle of uncertainty. I never felt empowered in my sexuality; rather sex became an obstacle to overcome in relationships instead of a source of shared intimacy or pleasure.

No teenager wants to be burnt out on sex or have it seem like an obligation, but I never knew how to move forward because I never knew how to talk about my experiences. I was ashamed because I knew there had to be something wrong with me. I had an end goal of reclaiming my sexuality, but with no firm place to start and no resources to keep me going, I found I was never able to recapture what it seemed I was missing.

Nearing the end of my freshman year, I owe most of my progress towards a healthier sexuality to the existence and impact of Sex Week on our campus.

Sex Week has taught me that it’s natural to have questions and more than acceptable to ask them; that masturbation is self-care, not something to be ashamed of; that sexual exploration is an empowering and life-changing process. And most importantly, Sex Week has taught me the importance of communication and the power of my voice–in giving consent, in providing direction, and in asserting my opinion. I’ve become more comfortable in talking about sex, whether my experience with sexual assault or my sexual identity or just flavors of lube.

I’ve come to decide that healthy sexuality isn’t the end goal I initially thought it to be, but really more of a journey–it comes with wrong turns, missteps, and setbacks, but also victories and a few pleasant pauses to enjoy where you’re at. As Sex Week co-founders Jacob Clark and Brianna Rader get ready to graduate, I think it’s important that we thank them for equipping our student body with the tools to make the journey easier. Without Sex Week, I would not have made it nearly this far.

*Brianna and Jacob have graduated since this post was written; SEAT and Sex Week are also, like the author of this blog, incredibly grateful for their work and sacrifices, and wish them more than the best as they go on to their postgraduate lives.