by a UT Second Year
I went on a date recently, and all I can think about is myself. Relationships stress me out. It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship. I find it stressful. Romantic relationships, in particular, are scary things. I’m genderqueer, but most people perceive me as an especially feminine guy. I’m not sure if that’s totally accurate or not. That’s scary. How do I explain my identity to someone when I don’t fully understand it myself? And Lord knows what they’re projecting onto me. Most people think femme guys are submissive people*. Beyond my perceived sexual preferences people talk about my body a lot. The popular choice is how skinny I am. I guess they mean it as a compliment because being a larger size is still stigmatized, but as a person who occupies masculine spaces, being thinner isn’t viewed favorably either. I’m perceived as weak, not as attractive as someone with muscles, or told I look weird because my limbs look long.
I’ve tried working out and between the time commitment and maybe my genetics I don’t really look different. I feel a little better because I’m doing something to try and meet part of the beauty standard set for me. I’ve also went the other way and tried not eating. Maybe I could pull off the wraith-like runway look? I don’t do either now. I do see how many fingers wide my thigh gap is, just in case I’m putting on weight. I do feel guilty when I eat anything that isn’t a fruit or vegetable, but I don’t cry about it anymore or stare in the mirror thinking about how I could look different. Things are ok, not good, not terrible.
Why would I share this? It’s beyond personal. It’s a piece of who I am right now. I want to share it to bring home my critique of my fellow queers. I’m scared to date you all because you’ve made me afraid of myself. @thewhitegays you’re shallow, racist, and think your queerness negates your privileges.
To twist around Judge Judy’s and Bianca Del Rio’s iconic line: Beauty fades, your shitty humanity is forever.
* I had a guy cancel a date at the restaurant when he found out I wore makeup.