By a UTK sophomore
i’ve never had sex.
while my lack of experience never really meant anything to me in high school, that mindset changed by the time i got to college. the majority of my friends (easily over 90%) have had sex. the conversations i’ve had with my friends about their sex lives are often hilarious, and i’m glad they’re comfortable talking to me about that part of themselves. while i’m truly happy that my friends are having fun and enjoying themselves, i can’t help but wonder what i’m doing wrong. i hate it when i can’t find the answers to amusing, sex-related icebreakers, but i especially hate that i can’t relate to my friends. this inability to relate generates massive insecurity. am i not aggressive enough? am i too loud when i laugh? do i have too much acne on my face? is my body undesirable? are my self-esteem problems that obvious? the list of questions is indefinite and disheartening.
while i know that my self-worth is not tied to the amount of sex i have or haven’t had, i find it often difficult to separate the two. it’s difficult to exist in a society where women are demonized for the amount of sex they have, but that is another topic for a different day. i shouldn’t feel this way. i shouldn’t feel like i’m an inadequate or incomplete because i’ve never had a dick inside me. i shouldn’t feel like i’m missing something because i have never been eaten out. i shouldn’t be jealous or envious of other people for having sex, and i definitely shouldn’t be beating myself up about not having sex. BUT I DO. i don’t really have any solutions to get rid of these feelings. i don’t know what i’m supposed to do, and that terrifies me.